you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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