party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
