Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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