Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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