upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
