i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
