dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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