Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
