I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
