I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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