he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
