Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
