Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
