Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
