Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
