Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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