I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
