I'm lost and stupid without you.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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