just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
