Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
