why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
