how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
