True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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