At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
