I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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