from now on my penis is your penis
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
