Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
