My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
