somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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