so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
