when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You can't special order awesome
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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