And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
