I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
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