Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
