I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
