Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
