So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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