I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
