Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
