at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
