someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
