Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
