I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
