I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
