his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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