i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
