god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
