when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
