I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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