woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
