She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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